


soulmate

by deanssammy (babylxxrry)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12791967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babylxxrry/pseuds/deanssammy
Summary: what's a soulmate?well, it's a best friend, but more. it's the one person who knows you better than anyone else. it’s someone who makes you a better person, except they don’t, really. you do that yourself, because they inspire you. a soulmate is someone you carry around forever. it's the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or no one else would. and no matter what happens, you'll always love them.[jared doesn't like to think about it.]





	soulmate

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm back with more angst i'm sorry i can't stop myself  
> it's still sloppy because apparently i have too many trains of thought with this ship still so apologies also it's 2:15am and i have no idea what i'm typing anymore eeeeee okay

It’s like watching what they could’ve been. The backstage makeout sessions. The flirting onstage. The touches. The cute notes hidden everywhere.

Jared turns away from the stage. Goes back to his own dressing room.

 _Jared Padalecki, Supernatural_ , the sign on the door says.

He swallows down a sob when he catches sight of the door next to his.

 _Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins_ , _Supernatural,_ it reads.

Jared remembers when it’d been different. When it’d always been _Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki_ , _Supernatural_. It’s not like that now. Was it ever really like that? Were they ever really _like that_? No, not really. There’d been moments Jared could’ve sworn there was something just under the surface. Quiet moments, moments where Jared could’ve spoken up, moments where Jensen had seemed like he wanted to say something. It’s too late, now, though.

And Jared’s not just losing the love of his life, he’s losing his best friend. His partner in crime. His housemate, even. Sometimes he’ll let himself think further.   _His soulmate,_ his brain will (un)helpfully fill in.

_What’s a soulmate?_

_Well, it’s a best friend, but more._

Jared remembers long workdays made easier and infinitely more fun with Jensen at his side, the two of them running all over set, playing pranks and making each other laugh. He remembers even longer nights when anxiety would come out to play in one or both of them and all they could do was sit next to each other in silent reassurance, _I’m here, you’re okay, we’re okay, it’s okay._ He remembers days off, spent in each other’s company, working quietly on scripts or catching up with family or even just marathoning movies. There’s nothing quite like having a best friend who just _gets_ when to offer up a bad joke and when to wrap you in a bear hug and when to just exist in your periphery, enough to keep you grounded but not so much that you spiral down. 

_It’s the one person who knows you better than anyone else._

Jared knows Jensen’s quirks forwards and backwards. He knows exactly how long Jensen likes his coffee brewed, and exactly how much shampoo he’ll have left before he buys more, and at this point, he can probably predict exactly how Jensen would react to any given thing. Jensen knows how many shots he can do without feeling it, knows what will make him smile after a tough shoot, knows exactly how he’d respond to texts well enough that they used to steal each other’s phones for the day and no one’d know better.

_It’s someone who makes you a better person, except they don’t, really. You do that yourself, because they inspire you._

Jared knows Jensen’s taught him how to be patient, how to deflect questions in interviews and in meetings with the suits, how to read people and adjust his persona accordingly. He doesn’t know if he’s taught Jensen anything, because he’s never been good enough for Jensen, now has he? He’s always been the younger one, the more impatient, naïve one. He’s always been the clingy, needy one. No, Jensen’s better off without him being a burden.

_A soulmate is someone you carry with you ~~forever~~ as long as they stay around. _

Forever isn’t a concept Jared lets himself think about. He used to. Before Misha. But not anymore. Forever is a nice thought for other people, but not for Jared. Not for Jared and Jensen. They’ve always been so much, too much. They collide with celestial strength and implode like stars and then they shatter and rebuild and repeat and Jared guesses Jensen’s just gotten tired of it. They’re both getting older, after all, and they both want to settle down. Jared just wishes Jensen was willing to fight for it, because if they’d fought for it, he thinks they could’ve danced their way into a swirling galaxy of light and strength and love and laughter, but apparently that wasn’t written into Fate for them. Jensen and Misha, there’s a pull there, Jared can tell, but it’s a softer pull. Weaker. They circle each other, never fully coming together into an explosion of light and energy. It’s Jared’s fault for being too much, he knows. It’s okay. Jensen doesn’t have to deal with him anymore.

_It’s the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or no one else would._

Jensen was the first person Jared came out to. It’d been a normal day off, and they’d been at home, relaxing with beers and the game on TV.

“Jay?” Jensen had asked softly. “What’s on your mind?”

Jared had looked up blankly, meeting Jensen’s steady gaze. “What?”

Jensen had tilted his head towards Jared’s hands. “You’ve been picking at the label of your beer for the past ten minutes.”

“I…” Jared remembers stammering out, remembers gripping the bottle tighter. “’s nothing.”

Jensen had simply looked at him, eyes locked on his, but not intensely or harshly. Just… curiously, kindly.

“I’m gay,” Jared had blurted, dropping his gaze to his lap and curling in on himself. There was a very real possibility Jensen would hit him or yell or worse, just walk out.

There wasn’t any of that, though, just silence. Jared thinks back to the way he’d glanced up at Jensen through his lashes. Jensen hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Jensen? Do you want me to go? Or you could. Hit me. I don’t know. I know I’m fucked up.”

“Hey, hey, Jay, no, baby, c’mere,” Jensen had said quickly, opening his arms.

Jared remembers how safe he’d felt in Jensen’s hold, face tucked into his shoulder and Jensen’s fingers running gently through his hair.

“Listen, Jaybird, I would never, ever hit you. For anything. And I know how we’ve been raised and what we’ve been told, but you’re not fucked up for loving men, okay? You can’t help who you love, and I’m always going to be here to love you and support you, got it?”

There’d been a kiss pressed to the side of his head, and Jared remembers the way Jensen’s lips had lingered half a beat too long.

Jensen had come out to him in the middle of a rant one late night a few weeks down the line, during a particularly stressful week at work, and Jared doesn’t remember much about it, just that Jensen had blurted _I’m gay, Jared, and I can’t tell the suits that it makes me cringe every time I have to kiss a girl but I suck it up because it’s my damn job_ , and that he’d frozen when he’d realized what came out of his mouth. 

Jared had pulled him into a hug, and they’d crashed in Jensen’s bed that night, curled close like it was just the two of them against the world, and in a way, it was.

_And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them._

God. Jared chokes back a bitter laugh. He’s hopelessly _gone_ for Jensen. Always will be. That’s all there is to it. Jensen’s ruined him for anyone else, with his stupid green eyes and his damn laugh and the fucking crinkles at the corners of his eyes and the godforsaken bowlegs and just his entire being, goddamnit, Jared’s so fucking in love with Jensen it _hurts_. It hurts because Jensen’s never seen and will never see him as more than a best friend, a brother, when all Jared wants is something more, but all he’ll ever ask for is whatever Jensen’s willing to spare him. That’s all he needs. All he needs is just a few minutes of Jensen’s time every day, just enough to keep him from drowning in his own mind. It doesn’t even need to be alone time. It can be just time around him, around him and Misha. And, yeah, they’re around each other for work, but they’re not _around_ each other. It’s different when they’re in character. It’s then that they can pretend nothing’s changed, but Jared’s pretty sure everyone knows.

Everyone except Jensen. Even Misha knows, for god’s sake. Jared’s seen the pitying looks he shoots him from time to time.

But Jared just wants Jensen to be happy. Whatever that means, whether it’s moving out or moving away or cutting off the friendship entirely, Jared will go with it. As long as Jensen’s happy, he has to be happy.

It’s just how the rules work.

Jared gives up on holding back the tears and buries his face in a sweater that he stole from Jensen years ago. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but if Jared really tries, he can pretend there’s no rift between them, he can pretend they’re still closer than best friends, he can keep lying to himself that there’s nothing between Jensen and Misha, because once they’ve told people they’re dating, there really isn’t a way to say that it’s a hoax.

Jared doesn’t even know what he’s thinking anymore.

He just wishes Jensen would give him a hug one more time, tell him he loves him one more time.

 

 

-fin.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment or kudos if this was even slightly cohesive ripppppppppppppp i had an idea and ran with it


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